A Colonel By Any Other Name...

All my friends from high school call me Colonel Kustard, Colonel, Kustard, or some variation/abbreviation of the two. It all stems from us being losers. Rather than boozing during high school and our first couple years of college, we found alternative, sober options for entertainment. I may be revealing too much, but for example, my friends and I would hang out at the local gas station and just jack around waiting for midnight to strike. At midnight, the donut delivery truck driver would give away the day-old donuts. To all wondering, there is not that much to do in Kansas. One night, we procured about two dozen donuts and returned to a friend's house to watch a thunderstorm from his garage. As we were chilling there, my friend, Aren, took a bite into his donut and in disgust said, "Ugh, this donut is lemon jelly." I, being the human garbage disposal that I am, said I would take the donut. I took one bite and realized that it wasn't lemon jelly. IT WAS BOSTON KREME / CUSTARD!!! I did a little dance, and my friends went nuts. My dance consisted of me raising my right arm as if I were Michael Jordan sinking the final shot in the 1998 NBA Finals; high-stepping; and twirling in circles with custard oozing out the side of my mouth. Since my middle name is Karl with a 'K', they decided that we should spell custard with a 'K' as well. The Colonel came as an afterthought. Y'know, Colonel Mustard from Clue. Well, I guess Colonel Kustard kind of rolls off the tongue and it has great alliteration to (give it a) boot. I guess it doesn't hurt that I love board games too. Such is the birth of Colonel Kustard.

Screwphemism

Like typical guys, my friends and I like to put sexual spins on everything we do/say/think. Around the spring of 1998, we began cumming up with sexual expressions for seemingly innocent words. We coined these words and phrases sexual euphemisms or screwphemisms. Please find below a list of screwphemisms. If you have any to add, don't be afraid to suggest some.

Cappuccino - Snatchuccino
Citronella - Clitronella
College Boulevard - College Boulenard
Compliment - Cumpliment
Congratulations - Cumsnatchulations
Contemporary - Cuntemporary
Cotton Candy - Cotton Panties
Countdown - Cuntdown
Dictionary - Dicktionary
Easter Egg Hunt - Easter Egg Cunt
Lincoln Continental - Lincoln Cuntinental
Massachusetts - Snatchachusetts
Mission Road - Mission Choad
Public Transportation - Pubic Transportation
Scratch 'n' Sniff Stickers - Snatch 'n' Sniff Stickers
Statutory Rape - Snatchutory Rape
Text messages - Sext messages
Thank You Very Much - Spank You Cherry/Hairy Muff
Timex Indiglo Watch - Climax In Da Hoe's Twatch (thanks Rustle)
VCR - Fece R

Obsolescence

What are kids going to sit on at the dinner table once phonebooks are obsolete?

Are phonebooks obsolete? Most nearly. I search Google Local before I pick up the phonebook. Heck, I don't even have a phonebook in my apartment. That shouldn't be surprising though; I don't have a manual can opener. How is it that I prefer a manual can opener to an electric one? Shouldn't an electric model supplant every manual tool?